ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)