My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
also my go-to takeaway order
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.