Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Me: Grandpa hasn鈥檛 been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Me: I guess I鈥檒l take four dollars
Wendy鈥檚 Drive thru cashier: That鈥檚 not how the dollar menu works
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I鈥檓 shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
It鈥檚 so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.