CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.