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Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever