the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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It be like that sometimes 😆
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Just a friendly reminder!
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
So we got a goldfish…
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
#parenting
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
The internet is full of many things
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.