The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞