dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims