bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Broom by every window for quick escape.