How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.