Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Every haunted house movie:
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”