Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.