[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
This came to me in a dream.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Oh boy, $150,000!
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.