Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
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I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I need this for my side hustle.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.