At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
The three genders.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend