I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*