No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.