Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
This made me chuckle.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
they split up moments later
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.