Introverted vegans go meetless
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive