Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
You Might Also Like
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.