Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!