My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
is this a warning or an offer?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.