Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
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I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
True
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.