I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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if my sleeping schedule was a person
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Waiting for the Charmin
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball