With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom