My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
They did not think through this water fountain
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.