“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is