I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
You Might Also Like
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“no gods no masters” = leo
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six