I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.