In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Seems a bit forward
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S