Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house