The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes