me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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Go hard or stay average
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’m being attacked 😭
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!