My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Saw online –
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.