her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer