I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
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Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
This is the one
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Sing it!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.