Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards