Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
☺️
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.