*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
This headline is a thing of beauty
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.