WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Great game to play with friends
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue