Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes