“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*launders Kohls cash*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Love this one 😂🧟
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*