Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
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After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”