Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
emergency phone
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Husband of the year 😂
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat