Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
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This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.