mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
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A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
sistine chapel
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.