“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Facebook memories be like
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club