IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”