My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
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Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If you had more money you’d be happier.