I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?